It’s been a while since I wrote a love song for someone who may never hear it.
Hope you like it.
I just posted two covers this week and I was just about to post an original song but I decided to chill with the posting and reluctantly wait till next week. I would agree that the rate of me doing songs is proportional to how bleak life feels to me.
That’s a pretty exaggerated way of putting it but hello, I’m still alive!
It’s been 26-ish days since I’ve been away from Singapore. I’m definitely missing some people right now. In the I think I may go crazy sort of way.
Say hi to my car, Sparky. He’s really adorable.
I know it looks really intense, but the wound was actually pretty lame.
If you’re living with me, expect Asian food.
If you’re living with me, expect original mandarin songs. Actually, no. But if I feel depressed enough, then yes.
I don’t think I mentioned here, but I’ve been volunteering for Outfest Film Fest and it’s been pretty interesting so far. There was a photo booth there, so why not grab a stranger and take photos right? Someone told me that the easiest way to cheer someone up is to whip out a camera, and after volunteering at the photo booth, I can say it really works.
I also met Jesus at Outfest. He was very friendly and his hair was indeed, amazing. I wanted to ask him for a miracle but I decided to ask for a photo instead.
Went to the beach and took pretty photos. Yes, I am aware that the colours of the sky keep changing I’m just playing around with the filters can don’t so critical?
Went to Andy’s house for a Chapman barbecue today!
Blue is the warmest colour.
I’ve also started on a personal project. I’ve always been fascinated with the phrase, “If you love someone, ___________” because everyone has their own answers to it and no one can really say which is right or wrong. If you’re into that sort of love stuff and you wanna see what real people have to say about love/you wanna contribute your answers to what you’d do if you love someone, head down here or here.
If you love someone, __________________.
I really wonder, what do you really think of “us”, when you’re trolling through the Internet, looking for an opportunity to prove “us” wrong? Do you even realize that as you’re trying your best to prove how right you are, real people are being marginalized, hurt, humiliated and abused? Real people are jaded with life, shunned from home, contemplating suicide in a world dominated by people who insist that they don’t belong; by people who eagerly destroy lives, knowingly and unknowingly, all in the name of love.
My heart has been broken many times. It’s not just the pain that comes with failed relationships, loneliness and inadequacy, but also the pain that comes with disapproving eyes, hurtful words and assumptions made by people, some who mean well, some who don’t, who conveniently define my identity based on what they see, hear and think of me and my “issue”. I’ve also been hurt by the pain that comes with knowing that though my family and friends love me, they now have a something extra to think about. But let’s be honest here. You will never understand how it feels like to be “us” no matter how descriptive I get. This is why for you, it doesn’t hurt to hurt, whether you’re aware of it or not.
But nonetheless, I boast in my brokenness.
Honestly, it sucks to be me, or “us”, for that matter. Being born into this world at this time and place had me constantly torn to the end of myself. I was constantly hanging by a thread. I was constantly being thrown off a cliff. I was constantly shoved into a burning room. I was constantly sinking into the ocean. I was constantly unqualified.
But it’s during these times, that I learn, truly, the meaning of grace. Grace was the thread that kept me hanging. Grace was at the bottom of the cliff, waiting to catch me. Grace was in the midst of the fire, waiting to accompany me. Grace was beneath that ocean, waiting to save me. Grace was and is there, and will always be there for the unqualified.
This is how I’ve come to learn what my true identity is: I am forever God’s beloved child. And while the world fights to destroy me, my God fights to save my life over and over again. While the world fights to tell me that there’s something wrong with me, my God fights to tell me that I’m perfect in His eyes. How can I not feel loved when I’m loved the most during the times I least deserve love in the eyes of Man? What is judgement and legalism in the face of grace? Knowing that, the noise from both sides about what’s right or wrong honestly doesn’t matter anymore.
Today, I’m no longer afraid to love. I may look broken to everyone else but that’s not true. The truth is, I am made complete in Christ. The truth is, God actually loves me. The truth is, I have nothing to lose.
If you’re going through a dark place, it could be a situation similar to mine, or maybe something completely different, I can tell you right now that grace has been waiting for you. God loves you regardless of what you’ve been hearing, seeing or thinking. God loves you regardless of what people, whoever they are, tell you through their words, actions or the looks on their faces. The giver of grace does not care which side you take, what you’ve done, the choices that you have made and will make. Grace is scandalous that way. He loves you not for who you could or would become, but for exactly you who are.
This is why we kill each other.
This is why grace doesn’t make any sense.
This is why we need God.
Sup everyone. It’s my third week in LA and I still have a long long way to go. It’s been a pretty heart wrenching day today; I seem to be constantly reminded of fond memories better left buried in my head. But it’s okay.
Did I mention that I shifted over to my own apartment with Euodia? One thing good about having my own apartment is that I became a level of Martha Stewart I’ve never experienced before. Suddenly I was obsessively cleaning, cooking and buying groceries. #copingmechanism
Below are my photos:
Kale is by far one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.
So I was home and Euodia came back with a box of cupcakes for me :3
Turns out my favourite human got her to buy them for my birthday.
Sigh. Miss you </3
Some photos of my house (and my cosy corner; Euodia took the bedroom)
So today we went to the Cahuenga Peak for a hike, and since I liked my previous hike, I thought why not! I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry, but this 3 mile hike up Cahuenga Peak was freaking tiring for me. I didn’t stop to take pictures at first because I was so tired. Eventually, we reached the top of the mountain and saw the main attraction – the Wisdom Tree (You’ll see it below later). The story is that there was a fire (The Hollywood Hills Fire) and that was the only tree that survived (something like that, I’m not too sure myself but it’s pretty cool nonetheless.)
Behold, the Wisdom Tree.
Ammo boxes containing letters written by people who’ve been there.
Sorry, I just had to.
Josiah being dramatic.
Josiah being Moses
I remember writing a research essay on Spain for one of my world cinema modules about the Francisco Franco dictatorship that made a lasting impact on Spanish cinema. Well, to spare you the details, Spain had lots of problems when it came to creativity back then because Francisco Franco was huge on restriction, repression, censorship; basically, it was horrible and difficult for anyone to have a different opinion.
When Francisco Franco died and Spain moved from dictatorship to democracy, the film industry went a little crazy with porn and films with drugs, sexuality and I don’t know, everything taboo. (where is the surprise here, may I ask?)
What’s most interesting is that above all that eyebrow-raising content, most Spanish films focused on identity; every aspect of it. Basically, all the voices that were silenced under Francisco Franco’s dicktatorship inevitably spilled out in the form of cinema, albeit in a pretty extreme way (an extreme reaction to an extreme action, I would say.) One of the things that I’ve learned in Chapman besides the fact that society is a direct influence to cinema, is that successful films usually have a universal question that the majority relates to.
I have a feeling that things are gonna get even more interesting as we go down the line. Because when you confine kernels under heat and pressure, they inevitably pop, blossom and look really. really. gay.
Went to have dinner at Euodia’s mum’s friend’s place on the 4th of July and they cooked Asian food. :’)
Ate to my heart’s content. Plus point? Xena the adorable dog.
This guy came in and asked for the time and said he’s a celebrity and he’s exhausted then sat down and fell asleep.
These boxes made my day when I volunteered for gift bag stuffing at Outfest the other day, it’s like DIY boxes and I learnt how to fold them and it was really fun I couldn’t stop making boxes :3
Ramen burger from Seoulos.
See the stripe on my sole? It’s a mozzie bite. GROSS.
Drew Macfarlane from Glass Animals if you’re reading this your guitar is with us!!! The postman made a mistake and left the guitar in my apartment and the last I heard Glass Animals has left LA? D: Oh no.
I didn’t mean to itchy hands but if I didn’t I wouldn’t have found out that the guitar belonged to famous people, so…
My feels right now.
Went to Hillsong LA today and it was great. You know when you step into a place, and though you don’t know anyone there’s an excitement in your heart that kinda drives you crazy? It was like that for me. I felt really loved and my favourite part was not knowing anyone. That would change, though, because I intend to go for midweeks. Today, I seriously pondered in my heart about staying here for life.
I don’t wanna go back to Singapore anymore bye everyone.