An attempt at spoken word.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my soul lately. A lot more than usual.
Sometimes I feel like I forget that I have a soul and I just…
Do things that I think makes me happy but in actual fact deprives my soul
of the life it needs to survive.
And then there are the things that I cannot avoid
that makes me feel like I’m dying from within but yet,
I’m not really sure anymore if my soul feels the same.
Isn’t there bound to be unpleasant feelings
as long as we’re breathing?
isn’t life not supposed to feel so easy?
and if we run because it’s tough and it feels like we’re dying
could that also mean we’re simply… running?
I am doing things that I enjoy.
Things that most people don’t have the luxury of time to do.
Is it really that bad if I suffer a little on the side in exchange
for a decent wealth of time to do things people starve from
when they do them for a living?
There are things that money can’t buy.
There are also things we cannot avoid.
Who is to say that the grass would really be greener
should we manage to run this time?
What if we don’t run?
What if we faced the unknown head on;
the buckle in our guts over the question of
whether we truly are living
or whether we truly are living enough
or whether she’s mad and if I deserve it
or if I deserve better?
What if we don’t run
And realize that our souls are built
That even if we’re drenched in shit
Our souls could still find a reason
to embrace the stench
and the fact that we are drenched in shit
and we can smell the stench
but it could have been worse but
here we stand
with a story to tell
an experience to share
a higher tolerance for shit
and a better reaction to stress.
ok back to life.
I’m trying to forget, Lord. I’m trying to forget.
I had one of those moments on the bus today; the kinda moment where you wish you could block out the noise around you but you can’t because it belongs to the voices in your head.
I’m trying to forget how much it hurt.
The kinda moment where you feel like – within the fraction of a second – life and all its problems past present and future could or would overwhelm your wits, your strength, you, and the politically correct part of you knows that hey that’s exactly why you need God and that’s exactly where grace comes into play because nobody in and of their own strength can survive this game but let’s be honest, sometimes everything feels like a concept – pale in comparison to the huge, tangible sense of apprehension that you have weighing against your already hunched back.
Then I got distracted by how vast and blue the sky looked outside the window.
One of the best feelings in the world is watching unobstructed stretches of skies from the front row of a double-decker bus.
Then I noticed a black speck miles away soaring calmly across the sky.
Look – it’s an eagle.
Then I remembered it wasn’t too long ago that I told someone under a star-filled night sky that I feel God’s love most when I watch skies and spot eagles.
You are worth much more than the eagles in the sky.
Then I had one of those moments on the bus today; the kinda moment where just knowing was enough.
My new snail is adorable. All he does is eat and sleep. He makes me a bit too happy sometimes just staring at him. I hope he lives a long life.
I love my room it’s got a higher than average ceiling and tons of light and a beautiful desk and hammock and not too much clutter.
The aircon temperature is just right and I smell nice.
The soup I had this morning was amazing I’d like to know the recipe to it.
I’m quite happy with my handwriting today.
Snakadaktal sounds freaking good.
Life is awesome.
Trepidation does not fully describe how I feel because as much as there is an element of fear there’s also an element of excitement. Yet at the same time I’m feeling this sense of calmness – perhaps boldness even, and if I can describe it fully I would say that it feels like I’m existing in the middle of a vast, vanilla ocean; not floating or sinking – more like comfortably enveloped within it. It doesn’t make much sense but I’m okay with that. Not everything needs to make sense. Not everything needs to be understood. Not everything needs to be answered.
I’m feeling feelings that I haven’t felt in a while;
It feels good to have too much time;
It feels good to have too much space;
Hi guys, it’s been a while. Much has changed and I’m still adjusting. I’m in a good place… I think. It’s hard to explain so I won’t bother going into details. It’s been years and it’s time to agree with the voice in my head and move on.
I do have some thoughts…
Vulnerability is not a weakness. It takes strength to be weak in front of someone else. And it hurts. It’s supposed to. It hurts because it matters. And what hurts isn’t always a bad thing. Ironic, isn’t it? Coming from someone who’s been hurt and who’s supposed to be hurting right now.
Don’t muscles hurt before they grow?
It’s been a very insightful journey so far feeling feelings that I never thought existed, understanding feelings that I never thought I would come across in my life. Don’t read too much into my writing, because there’s no context and I’m talking about things that are way more complex than I can fathom.
I have no idea how many times I’ve said this. But hi, I’m here again… With nothing much to talk about.
I just find it interesting that there will always be an opposing party with every opinion, regardless of what it’s about.
I guess it’s inevitable.
Sometimes we feel like we’re so misunderstood for what we believe in; we feel like we’re alone. But if we look around us, it’s actually pretty easy to spot other people going through the same thing, perhaps in different ways – because it’s unavoidable. We all have opinions, and as long as you have one, there will be people out there who’ll have different ones. So actually, we’re not so alone after all. Does that mean we stop having different opinions? I really hope not. The world would be such a mundane place.
I hope this observation gives you courage to dare to be different.
On a regular day, logging on to WordPress means staring into a white box for about 20 minutes before logging off eventually. But I’m determined to change that at least for today. I got reminded of how I used to blog every single day when I was in Secondary School about things that… Aren’t actually that interesting. Actually my blog was very lame and not very constructive (the design was horrendous). But everyday I had a lot of readers and comments on my tagboard (do those still exist?) and as much as I had fan mail, I had hate mail too – sometimes from the same ip addresses as the fan mails.
That was like, almost ten years ago. If you think I’m 30, I’m not. I just started really, really young. Honestly, I was quite a brat at one point and I caused a lot of trouble for some unfortunate people (for that, I’m extremely sorry). But I also got into a lot of trouble with people who seriously lacked the ability to look past the cover of a book (or a blog. or a tv screen).
So when I was a little bean sprout I used to think that I’m all that because of what I did but what I did eventually became the main reason for people to pick on me. And I got pretty affected by outward circumstances because yeah, my validation was all over the place. It was in the amount of views or likes I had, my exam results, how many things I owned, how people thought of me, how many friends I had, how I looked and how I sounded etc. It’s damn tiring and unnecessary.
All these things fade away eventually but it’s so easy to forget that. I still do. Some people flaunt what they have all the time, wave it in your face just to make sure that you know what they’re capable of. Some people feel so small they need to insult someone just to feel good about themselves. But that’s not all there is to life. All these people can do so much better and are so much more than that. If owning things, being able to do certain things or being known by people equates to how big a person you are compared to everyone else, then what you really are is a poor, small-minded idiot. At least for me, I wanna stop looking at the book covers of other people, of my own, and start reading.
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it’s stupid.”